Pissed off.. annoyed.. irritated.. confused.. exasperated

hey... just felt like blogging something that was more of wat i truly felt then just blogging for the sick of blogging wst goes on in my life.


We were planning a trip to the beach this weekend. Which means that we're suppose to pick up a rented car at nine tmr morn and be back sunday morn. So this morning we called up the car rental place and found out that there was no longer anymore auto cars.. yeah. so manual it is. ( you know now that i'm bloggin it down. i dun feel so pissed off anymore) but the problem was... listening to jin on the phone with the person. perhaps i have high expectations of pple around me. but it irks me.. to see that jin cannot hold a proper conversation with the lady.. and the way he solved problems just makes me doubt that he can handle and other big issues in life. and that really irritates me........ its not something i can just yell at him and say change. cos its a part of him already.... which irritates me even more.. cos it means i have to live with that. we quarrelled yesterday over some fucked up reason.. like me hanging up on him.. but it was becos he told me he was gonna collect parcel from the post man. and half the time he does enunciate his words clearly. so how the fuck am i suppose to know wat is going on. anyway.. so it just snowballed. and i was just put off. he rang to apologise. but i just left the phone ringing. he msged me on msn. i ignored him and change my msn nick and pic to some other guy.
eventually he came over which was the initial plan anyway. cos before we started that stupid fight, he was suppose to come round and we were suppose to take a walk cos it was such a lovely day. but the post man had to come, and he had to kick up a fuss bout the hanging up cos i wanna talk to my frens on msn..

here's a snippet of what went on:


him: busy with alison is it
me: lol
him: wei
him: how can u do tt
him: ........
me: busy with alison but missin you
him: i thot u were busy with work
me: i told alison that
him: and instead u talk to alison
me: i make you mad
him: sighs
him: now u make me Mad again
me: i told you i got no more mood to do work already
me: waitin for you to come
him: and u hung up
me: always gets me distracted
him: so u can go back to msn
him: and chat
him: rite?
me:?
me:dear
me: ok you hurry sort your htings and COME!!!!!!!
him: i mean nothing to you.
him: im not coming
me: that's so hurtful
him: u go and chat with alison
him: its raining
me: Angry
him: true
him: true what
me: dear
him: u want to hang up my call
me: come
me: come
him: so u can go msn
him: im pissed
me: you were going to get your parcel
him: why are u like that
him: go la go la
him: msn msn
him: msn msn
him: go go
me: Die(emoticon, kicks man down cliff)
me: are you kicking me away?
him: im not going over
me: i'm just an innocent gal, standing on the edge waitin for my bf to come
him: see u maybe tonite
him: or not.
me: but he walks up behind me
him: bye
me: and kicks me
me: you sure
me: DEAR
him: i always try to be nice
him: sighs
him: why cant u be more sensitive
him: why
him: WHY
me: SAD(emoticon)
him: alison alison
me: SAD
him: msn msn
him: fuck
him: tell her go to hell
him: alison alison
him: your friends mean alot to u
him: i mean nothing
me: dear if you keep thinkin that way
me: i really have nothin to say k
me: sigh
me: dear
him: isnt it true
him: arent u giving me this impression?
me: why you say that?
him: u ask urself
me: ?
me: ?
me: ?
me: pick up my call

>>>>> my nick is changed to this<<<<<<<<
where's the glory of love........... jean, yting where are you?

me: dear
him: ...
>>>>>he seees the change of nick<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<
him: dear
him: dear
him: dear
me: ?
him: pick up the call
me: for wat
him: dear
me: i'm gonna put my friends first
me: and you second from now
him: ..
him: hurtful
me: so you'll know the difference
me: glad you know how i'm feelin too
him: dear
me: yeah?
him: we're both wrong ok
me: watever k.... go and get your work done
him: ive got nothing to do
me: you were suppose to come round
me: but you dun want
me: so my fault again is it?
him: i wanted to
him: but i told u i had to sort out the parcel
him: dear
me: yeah i know
me: i said ok
him: i go over now
me: and i told you that i wasn in the mood to do work anymore
him: alrite dear?
him: sorry
him: im sorry
him: pick up the call and let me apologise dear
me: then you start some FUCKING STUPID THING ON ALISON WAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU
him: and i'll also go to you personally to apologise
me: forget it dear....
me: ...
him: what u mean fucking stupid thing on alison
him: uh
him: u know
him: how i feel
---------------------------------------------------------------------------

anyway.. he came round after.. and yeah.. its easy to make up when someone is phyiscally there.. and when you see him cry.. your heart just melts i guess. but i'm beginning to think all this is an illusion. urgh..

hugs make take the anger away. but i guess it doesn really solve the problem. but yeah.. we had a talk after that.. and he was saying that he was investing the next three years to be with me. and well. i suppose i should know how much i mean to him and all. but the thing is i dun have a prob with trusting him and all. i know he loves me alot. the thing is..... the way he does things at times just irritates the hell out of me. sigh.

shu.. sometimes i think i'm hangin on to jin just for the physical comfort.. physchologically.. i think jin hasn reached me yet. i dunno. these things fluctuate. on days.. we can laugh bout loads of stuff.. but i think ultimately. he hasn been able to reach the recesses of my mind on how i really feel bout stuff.. pple like rencheng and jasmine can, when we have a good chat over tea or coffee.. but with jin. i always find it hard to hard that part of me to him.. or maybe its just that we dun connect on that level.

hmm ok let's change the password k. i dun want jin readin all this.

have you heard the song glory of love?
this website has the song, though not in a very good quality.. http://peachpatch.com/glory.html

sometimes i really wish that jin can really be the "hero that i've been dreaming of.. "

sigh.. the more i expect out of him.. the more dissapointed i seem to get.

like this weekend, we're gonna drive to the beach.. in a manual car.. and i really think cant cope with it.. not with the hill side terains and all.. scotland trip was more then enough. hmm its not bout driving specifically. its bout being able to react to situations on the spot.. quickly and decisively. and i think jin really lacks it. But then again he's always tellin me that he's planner, so perhaps he's life has always been neatly planned, that anything that crops up he just cant cope. sometimes.. i really feel that i'm older than him. i really think mum did a good job bringing us up. cos i really more adaptable, and comfortable with solving problems and simply coping with situations i guess.

i think ultimately i'm just dissapointed, sad, and irritated that jin's not all that i think he is/wish he is....... for a 26 year old, i expect alot more maturity, alot more capability..... i dun want to go on a trip and have to worry bout driving there, bout safety.. bout lookin out for him.... i'm sick of lookin out for pple. i just wanna be the on that being looked after. and i think that jin cant do that for me........... ( dun mix it up with him not lookin after me. he does, he cooks, walks me home... takes care of me when i'm not feeling well..) i'm talkin bout bigger issues.. like taking care of me in the context of life long issues.. Finance, Pitfalls, you know. the bigger problems in life that we'll stumble on. I think jin cant. and that scares me.... cos i like him. but he just doesn seem to give me a sense of stability.

anyways. enough ramblings. i just needed to get it off my chest i guess......
you take care and blog soon.