nuts. and... bolts.

I’m in such a daze. I haven’t been like this for a long time. The last time I was all confused and upset was the Shaun thingy. Time passes too fast. I dunno what to expect. Maybe that is why life is ‘interesting’.

I’m in a dilemma. I really don’t know what to do and it’s getting to me. Ughh. I know I have to do something. But I cant bring myself to do it, and I also don’t know what I should do.

Is that the whole point? to distract us so we cannot concentrate and then she can beat us? I dunno. Cold war is the most lethal form of warfare. Silence makes people uncomfortable. Why? I think I have been reading too many philosophical books. I’ve been thinking too much. But is that part of growing up? Do I really want to grow up? Can’t I grow up but remain happy go lucky? Does growing up really mean end to happy life? I dunno. I dunno. I dunno. Maybe I do not wish to know. Ok. I dunno. Lol.



When will I understand?
Conforming to you.
You’re too complex.
Split personality or hypocritical?

Where am I to find courage?
I want to talk. Really.
But you’re so critical.
Would a simple talk work?

Which should I choose?
Back out or bear with it?
Both aren’t solutions. I know.
I’ll have to face it someday.

What can I say?
Roll your eyes at me.
Ignore me.
Is it my fault?

Who is to judge?
I’m wrong, you’re right.
I’m right, you’re wrong.
I have my pride, so do you.

How to start?
You’re too difficult.
Criticize me; laugh at me.
I’m a coward you might say.

Why did this have to happen?
Am I supposed to learn something out of this?
Happy days. I want it back.
Someone please enlighten me.


I don’t want to be a hypocrite. But this year I haven’t been myself. I have been hot and cold. I have been jumping friends. Does the problem lie with me? I have my pride. I do not want to be cursed at everyday. How is it like having a FRIEND calling you ‘asshole’ everyday? I mean seriously. WHAT THE FUCK?! At first I thought, fine, I treat you as a friend, and maybe to you friends would understand that you don’t mean it. but, I have to say you’ve gone overboard. I refuse to be there to clean your shit day and night. I can be nice, but you’ve abused it. Complain that my dressing sucks. Fine. You’re rich and I’m not, you have friends who can afford big houses and big cars. But HELLO! I am not like them and don’t expect me to be like them. Your whole cupboard is filled with branded clothes, and accessories too bad mine is not. I thought you were different. But you’ve proved me wrong. You think you’re way up there and you look down on us. Let me tell you. Please fuck off. I do not need your company. I do not want a friend like that. I do not need a companion like you. I have better friend. Friends who respect me. friends who do not look down on me. Friends who treat me as equals; not like a maid or a dog.

Yet after so much has been said, I cannot ignore you and this is killing me. It is tearing me into 2. tension of opposites. Ahh… tear me up and kill me. Please. I will learn something out of this. I know it. so much torture just to learn a lesson in life. Haix. what can I say…

I’m in such a difficult situation. Walk up to her and apologize? For what I don’t even know. Apologize and try and make sense to her? Ahh… a thousand people have found it difficult to talk to her. And I am just one of the thousand. Should I really try so hard to be her friend? Or should I abandon this ‘friend’. I should be the one making the first move since she is not moving her golden ass. But seriously, what am I going to do with the apartment next yr? Stay with someone who is going to ignore me? HOW HOW HOW?

I cant back out. That is so mean. We agreed to stay together so that we can pay less rent. And how am I going to explain to mum and dad? They’ll kill me for being so childish and...immature. I can only hope that she goes to New South Wales. But that is quite mean as well. Coz going to NSW means that she cant qualify for Uni of Melb. (coz if she can get into UM, she’ll go to UM) booo hooo… staying together in an apartment is like living ell. She is going to complain about everything I tell you. If not she’d bitch about me behind my back. And that isn’t exactly the nicest feeling on Earth. Grrr… she really pisses me off. I shouldn’t be pissed off. The more I’m angry about the whole matter, the happier she gets, coz she is getting the attention and obviously she doesn’t quite care about us. I think she is quite good at ignoring friendship problems. Anyway, the thing is that the more I want to stop being irritated, the more annoyed I get coz I feel like I’m conforming to her. And I don’t want to do that. I have been trying to figure out why everyone is trying to conform to her. What powers does she have? Up till today I still haven’t come up with a single solution. Am I being too egoistic here? I dunno. I feel like I have a twisted mind.

I think the growing up thingy is getting to me again. I have been thinking a lot lately. And my mindset has changed and things just change without notice. Like the Shaun incident, I’m unprepared. I dunno what to do. How can 2 close friends just drift to the extent of ignoring each other. I really have no idea.

How can her friends stand her nonsense? Maybe it is because they don’t stay together. Don’t have to put up with her 24 hrs a day, 7 days a week. *shrugs*

I don’t know. And I don’t want to think about it anymore (for now at least). I’m going to play games. Heh.