"dearest Jin "

[I]t is very hard to say the exact truth, even about your own immediate feelings – much harder than to say something fine about them which is not the exact truth. -------George Eliot

where do I even begin, for I myself aint sure of the reasonings. Talking bout my own emotions has never been my forte, and definitely not my favourite subject… I’ve never been able to tell my mum exactly how I feel when she yells at me… or how hurt I feel when she does. And I’ve lived with that all my life. Its really not in me. Words gag at my throat as much as I like to speak… and tears plug my eyes before I can seek……. And today you want me to talk bout how I feel.. its is indeed looking very bleak.

I’m frustrated, at my own lack of ability to control the way I am.. helpless to my own silence. Victim to my own tongue… I wish I wouldn’t be so affected by what you said…… sometimes I wish I didn’t mean so much to you. At least that way I know that my actions wouldn hurt you as much as they do.

Many times I know that you’ve been hurt.. yes I do know, and yet I turn away .. pretending to be oblivious to it. Why….. perhaps if I loved you less.. you would too.. and there wouldn be pressure ……. Pressure to make things work out til the end. I’m definitely not a planner… and definitely to used to the idea of you telling me everyday that you wanna be with me forever. ( its sweeet.. and I’m suppose to be really touched I know.. ) but just three months into a relationship, isn’t it too early to set a commitment like that? And as much as I long to really tell you that I wanna be with you forever, sometimes its hard, cos I find myself lying, and I dun wanna lie to you.. and yet, I dun wanna hurt you. Its not that I dun love you. But wanting to be with someone on a long term basis, its not bout just telling me that… there’s so much more. ( which is why you want me to open up to you) BUT, its just that there’s all this expectations.. and I find it really difficult at times to tell you how I feel.

I think the problem lies with me really.. not being able to open up… ( yeah despite my outgoing nature..and that heck care attitude.. opening up is something that I’ve not done for a long long time .. simply cos, that makes me vulnerable.. and being vulnerable means that I’ll get hurt. I wanna keep that shield around myself. ) and many times when you ask whats wrong, it becomes really difficult.. its like having alter egos .. you know.. being torn apart in two directions.. cos a part of me wants to tell you wats wrong.. and a part of me wants to put up that strong front.

Perhaps the real me.. is totally opposite from what you see…. Like how pple try to hide their innermost self.. so the happy pple are not necessarily happy.. that kinda thing. I think I belong to that catergory. I once told you that I used to cry a lot when I was young. yeah.. perhaps I’ve not grown up at all. I’ve just managed to drown it in smiles and a bubbly laughter.

I dunno really.. even as I type you this.. I’m still questioning myself.. why I cry every time you ask me wats wrong. ( damn its becoming a routine now isn’t it? Todays’ like the fourth time already)

I love you.. i admire your creativity, appreciate your sensitivity, touched by your sweetness, respect how hard you works, impressed at how organised you are, intrigued by your passion for nature and rocks.. yet I dunno if I wanna be with you on a long term basis….. no, this is not a reject whatsoever… I’ll gladly bring you home and show you to my parents.. but its just agreeing to something really long term scares me.. and I think I’m not ready to be committed on that kind of level. At least not for now…… I mean we step into every relationship with the intention of a long term one. But its just that when you keep reiterating that. It scares me. Cos it means you’ve decided… I dunno if I’m making sense here.. but I guess its just the fact that it scares me.. and probably your frens are right. Perhaps I’m too young for you.

Perhaps I need more time to get accustomed to your way of thinking, personality and lifestyle. Perhaps you neeed more time to convince me that you’d be the one I wanna spend my life with.

And while it seems like you’re always giving in to me.. I would be more than happy to oblige you. I would really like a guy that can take care of me…. Sort me out… plan for me… decide stuff for me.. make me feel safe……… I know you like to consult me in your decisions and all that.. and I appreciate how you want to involve me.. but yeah.. sometimes I really rather you go ahead and decide.. I mean you’re the guy right. ( I’ve got enough decisions to make on my own)

Dear jin, dear jin……… I probably said enough for the evening……. Feelings are hardly rational at times.. and even harder to grasp……. Already typing all these out is hard enough.. and may not be entirely true to wat I feel… which is why speaking it is even harder.. at least in typing I get to review it.

Yeah.. there’s really nothing major with us.. its just that I need time.. and you need time to get used to wat I am…. And be a supporting pillar in a subtle way…… you’ve been great so far… otherwise I wouldn be typing this to you.. you probably would be walking home still thinking bout my “ nothing….” … now that you know that I’m not all that accustomed to talking bout how I feel.. perhaps.. you can be there to hug and hold my hand.. and in time, or perhaps in the near future.. I’ll be able to talk bout it….. here’s a quote just to end it off…
When we honestly ask ourselves which person in our lives means the most us, we often find that it is those who, instead of giving much advice, solutions, or cures, have chosen rather to share our pain and touch our wounds with a gentle and tender hand. The friend who can be silent with us in a moment of despair or confusion, who can stay with us in an hour of grief and bereavement, who can tolerate not knowing, not curing, not healing and face with us the reality of our powerlessness, that is a friend who cares.
Love you………