tears fall for the better.... or for worse

maybe blogging isnt such a good idea. typing out everything that i feel makes its a real feeling, kinda like a self fufiling prophecy. perhaps if i didnt blog, then can shelve my feelings aside, and drown it with loads of smiles and made believe laughter. and at least i'll be happy.

so many times today i felt like crying. and i did. last night as i typed the previous entry, everything was in a whirl of blurred vision and conjested breathing. i tot i would feel better. but if there's anything called a sob hangover.. this has gotta be it. today. the curtains fell again.

ha.. maybe we're twins.. born like three years apart. met up with rencheng today.. we were talking bout personalities.. and he thinks i'm an emotionally string person.. ha. yeah.. seems like i'm a professional when it comes to making myself belive that i'm happy. cos sometimes i think i can almost convince myself of that too.

but when night comes, and slience sinks into your very bones... these creatures of the night come out and start haunting you.

*snaps finger* ok this is not going to go anywhere.. all this negativity... all the complains... really, its a self fufiling prophecy. if you think you;re happy.. you'll be.. but if we keep letting ourselve wallow in this than you're just gonna turn out being an alcoholic.

ok. so snap out of it.. keep yourself busy.feed yourself a good thought everyday...besides if you really bother to recall, you've got a well led life compared to many other pple.. you lament you've got no childhood.. i say, your childhood was way better than many others.. remember the times we use to build a house out of umbrellas on a rainy day.. and we would sit in cartons... and make a house out of that too?? how we play boat in godma's room.. we bring food and blankets and pillows.. and how we pretend to be swordsmen????? and how bout the times we played ang bao games?? or monopoly?? or cutting bits of paper, and pretend to be cooks? ( hey wat happened to that? how come we dun cook as well now??
) and how we use to play cashier.. and how we play firemen in the garden.. climbing here and there... splashing water about using the garden hose. Does er and ching get such adventures???? and and.. remember how we use to play jail?? at adelines house???????????? yeah so many memories.. how dare you say you havent got any................

complex thoughts are a sign of being part of the adult world. ( din you say you 're looking forward to working? ) ha.. but my dear utopist... the working world is way more complex than what you're going through. imagine, you have to date, handle finances, and cope with office politics.. and not to mention your own work????? yeah
so enjoy education!

while you start to realise that the world is alot more intricate in its make, dun let it overwhelm you, thinking that its no longer perfect. Instead be awed at how complex systems are actually in play.. and how they are interwined within our lives.. and those ard us. life is one huge miracle.. and we should rejoice in that...

today i told ren that i wanted to kill myself.. he din believe me.. and the more he said that i wont.. the more i felt like doing it.. ha.. but if i really took the plunge... then i'm no more mature than a three year old whining over a not having enough sweets.

Sweets are nice, the sugar gives you a high.. and you feel happy.. but too much sweets, and your teeth rot.. try eating an entire tube of mentos and let me know if the last one in the pack tastes as sweet as when you ate the first one. We often get desenstized to things.. to happy things. to sad things.. that's why we need a good mix of both.. being sad now will let you appreciate the sweeter times.. this is what the world is all about.. balance...

We can be very negative bout things. but it helps us criticize the weak... and hence make neccessary improvements.. but it would be wrong, if we just keep criticizing and not make the effort to move away from the pin that's pricking us.. its is after all your own legs..if you dun move them.. who wil

i refuse to make this blog all about sad things.. although it did start out to be nothing but laments.. but as i'm typing all these.. i think all i need to do is find that balance, to feel sad just enough to provoke myself to make a change to my situation.. everything is about improvement and the betterment of mankind.

so, happy things.. ha. ok i've been talking online to him for a few days straight now.. and yeah. we are getting closer.. i mean we keep talking bout meeting up.. and plans to do loads of stuff together.. and yeah.. you can sense that this is definately more than a platonic thing..

( ok yes i did say this was going to be bout positive stuff.., but hey.. remember balance??) however, i'm scared that i'm getting to know him better only through the net.. and not face to face.. yeah... the net has a certain way of conjuring illusions.. making you pursue mirages... i'm that is wat i'm really scared of .. i keep trying to fit guys into my idea of my guy.. that sometimes i think he is.. but when in real life its really different...

okok.. but on hindsight, yeah.. and at least i can be 90% certain its moving in a direction of a possible something.... hhaah. and its giving me something to look forward to when i get back to lboro.. ha..yeah...

and yeah.. i met this random tourist today, a chinese who stays in france.. ha. how cool is that.. apparently she used to be from cambodia.. them fled from the war ( * dramatic music*) went to vietnam.. and some missionary brought them to France.. where they had a chance to make a comeback.. now she's in singapore with her daughter, who is 31, married with two kids.. yeah.. they are here cos the husband had a job transfer.. the lady is here to visit them.

I went for a jog this morning to go collect the present cum cake from the post office, and on my way back, she asked me for directions. We kinda got along( ha yeah i get along with aunties surprisingly well... am i old or what??) but anyways.. yeah. she says i can look for her if i'm going to france.. ha. gave me her number and all.. and cos we were walking through botanical gdns.. and i was heading home, which was like nearby, i asked her up for tea.. and yeah.. so she met mum.. and we all had a chat.. and in the afternoon she called me up, ask me go and play tennis with her and her daughter.. hahah. super drama......... but mum thinks its risky.. ha.. she thought i got kidknapped when i went down in the afternoon to pick my fren from the bus stop.. haha...

fate is interesting isnt it? its the only bridge between to lines on a parrallel.. yeah.. i totally believe in it. which is another reason why i wont approach a guy, unless approached first.. ha.. so many the eligeable guys are thinking like me..... sigh no wonder i dun clique with the guys who like me... hahaha

okies.. my eyes feel super swollen... and i've got to meet some frens tmr.. so i better go and sleep or i'll look like shit tmr.. and then NO one will approach me.. haha...... okies.. you take care ... and i trust you're more mature than a three year old...... *hugs*